March 21, 2014 by Roe
I’m spiraling to nowhere.
Everything I get involved in seems like a half-assed attempt at trying to achieve something that never really goes anywhere.
My horoscope has been cryptic as fuck or just super vague, and I’m starting to realize maybe I’ve grown too dependent on it. I’ve grown too dependent on a lot of things.
I feel like everywhere I turn vines jump out and tie me down. Some of them come out of myself, others come from the outside.
I don’t know what I’m interested anymore. Don’t know what I want, what’s best. No one fucking understands what’s happening to me, what I’m going through. I’ve heard the same shit over and over. But it’s different from what you went through. Drowning you out and I don’t care anymore. Watching your hand gestures from my peripheral and I could care less. I feel like I need to move away and I don’t care how I get there. The world’s a different place now. And if you’re not Business, you’re not wanted. You’re voided out. To be trapped within your own mind is one of the worst things. It doesn’t physically hurt but just feels so damn suffocating and paralyzing. How can I possibly move?
Was I trying to take some easy way out? Is that why I’m in such a tortuous state? And I just too scared or something? Make a move! But where?
I’ve used all my lifelines, I’ve tried to be positive, but there are just some nights you want to cry yourself to sleep and realize you can’t because you’re too damn angry at everything and anxious about the future and that keeps you awake for hours.
Drinking gives a false, elevated sense of self and is never worth the repercussions. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel awkward and unwanted and lost.
I have nothing to talk about anymore and it’s fucking killing me. I can write all I want and it gets me nowhere. I don’t fit the format, don’t fit the clothes, the schematic. I’m something other than what the blueprint suggested. There are changing landscapes now. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.
I am 23 years old, full of energetic promise and potential. Where did I go wrong? I feel tapped out, gipped out of something I thought I earned. No one takes chances anymore and I guess that means me too. What am I doing here? Does this end, because it feels like forever.
The things I thought to be honest and true are all flaking paint, including myself.
Our world naturally and idealistically is slowly morphing into wasteland and hell and my emotions are going along with it.
Everything revolves around money I don’t have, don’t want, yet weakly need. It seems so wrong. Everything seems so wrong. Everything seems to be so desperately wrong.
Cue Sound The Alarm. It’s really the only record I can listen to when I get like this anyway. That and Between The Concrete & Clouds seems to be really hitting the spot right now.